Where to even begin? It’s November 26th, I’m home from work and sitting on my couch waiting for my husband to come home with some delicious pizza. I tweeted a little message about my rediscovered interest in LUSH a bit ago, and I’m realizing that something is changing. It must be. I’m feeling happy discovering products and getting excited thinking of what’s new out there and what I’d like to try. What happened? Where did I go and what on earth was I thinking? There’s no way to actually explain my mind, my actions and how it all went down without beginning somewhere, somehow. I don’t expect these rambles to put everything into perspective for you, my dear reader and/or subscriber. I just thought, right now felt right, so I’m going with it. What happened? The house, the time commitment, the buying, the networking, the watching videos, the editing, the hormones, the pregnancy, the family’s health and my well-being and sinking beneath it all. Be prepared to jump all over the place, I don’t know how else to organize this blog post but to just let it all out!
Have you ever forgotten to call someone back, and the longer you wait, the worse it gets, but the sooner you call, the sooner you have to feel the guilt of forgetting in the first place? So you put it off longer, which makes it so much worse? Things sort of unraveled like that, dealing with real life problems with people coming at me from all angles wondering what’s up before I was able to wrap my mind around what was happening? It was overwhelming. I dropped Twitter, Instagram, my blog, I didn’t log into Youtube because I was scared of the response. I ignored it to work on what was in front of me (while making the disappearing act situation that much worse but seemingly necessary). There was so much love and support and genuine worry for my well-being, but to be honest, I wasn’t well, and I didn’t know what to say in response. There was also so much negativity and judgement and mean things said that I couldn’t handle being more fragile than usual at the moment. I had no intention of stopping videos all together, I became scared to get back on the internet and face the music that I vanished and disappointed and worried the very people who I’ve worked so hard for, for nearly 3 years. I made my channel into something I truly loved, I had a network of people who enjoyed what I had to say, and I just let that all go.
It took months for me to admit that it happened the way it had, and that actually, I wasn’t coming back. It may sound awfully dramatic, but outside of my husband, some friends and family, it was my entire past-time, all thoughts throughout the day were channel related. From the moment I woke up and washed my face, and used a face moisturizer, and brushed my teeth and picked out my makeup, it began! I loved it, all I did was compare products and figure out the pros and cons to each step, my mind was full of mini-reviews! Every time I looked in the mirror at work throughout the day, I’d see how each product on my face was holding up, and I’d reapply lipsticks and make more metal notes. I’d see how my nail polish looked in different lighting, it’s where my mind was. And on lunch breaks, I’d eat, chat with coworkers… but also Tweet and Instagram and stay connected to my girls. I mean, after 3 years of making 2-3 videos a week, and watching god-only-knows how many videos from those I was subscribed to.. you make friends. You hear others opinions of products, you learn from each other, you become inspired from others that happen to fit into what you’re into at the time, and you become part of a community. Again, what happened? Hormone shift! Oh, and a hugely wrong decision (purchasing a home, later to sell it, and by later, I mean, almost immediately) (which looking back actually was a great learning experience and a true test of following one’s instincts and something that worked out in the end, but started with a ton of worry and stress). Whaaa? More details to come.
Though my husband, Metin and I had been trying, the moment we found out we were expecting, things changed in ways I have a hard time explaining. I always envisioned keeping my channel throughout the pregnancy, I loved watching baby bump videos, learning from others experiences and seeing the progress throughout. We live over 2,000 miles from family, I always thought of blogging throughout the pregnancy as a great way to stay connected, and for my fam to see me often and be a part of it all. As you know, things didn’t pan out that way. It wasn’t just you guys I had to let go, I couldn’t force something that didn’t seem possible. Why? What changed?
My husband and I started building a house in October of 2012. There was a lot of hesitation along the way, it’s location was much further from city life than we were used to, but we wanted more space and to grow into a home rather than grow out of one. We noticed our hesitation but attributed it to problems with the builder, or the price tag of the home making us a bit nervous (though everyone is nervous buying their first home, so we shrugged it off). Finances are quite tricky, and the older you are, the more real it gets. In order to get x, y & z in the city we live in, we had to pay a pretty penny we talked ourselves into being comfortable with (problem numero uno). Months went on, and we were excited, there were many parts of the process that were great. We pictured our first house to be our forever home. We closed in April 2013 and moved in on the 7th. I kid you not, that very night, I took a home pregnancy test and voila! Poof! PREGNANT!!!! The very same day we move into our forever home, how exciting! Sounds like a dream come true, no? The pregnancy? Absolutely. The house at the very same time? Eeek.
So why not and what happened? I was very sick. This is normal, of course, the first trimester is known to be a tricky time for lots of moms-to-be. I was not myself emotionally and pulling away in every aspect. The idea of having a baby in a house where means were tight scared the crap out of me. We were married 4 years before trying to conceive for that very reason, to live comfortable enough, where money didn’t rule my every thought, what happened here? What happened to the bit of a financial cushion we worked so hard for? We made a mistake. We bought for too much, I was pregnant, and our life had to make a complete shift. What on earth were we thinking? Now that we’re in the house, we can’t even think of furnishing it! Or flying home to see family, or going to eat or the movies without counting pennies. Why was I so upset, aren’t you supposed to make sacrifices in life? You can’t have it all right? Just stay in like the good ole days, eat beans and rice and make the mortgage payments. This is possible, right?
I just didn’t want it to be. I was sick, and fatigued, and stressed, and I slept a lot, and I was not myself. I missed my small living space and comfy closeness to my husband. Now we were in this drafty, brand new house and I felt lost. Metin and I talked about our thoughts on the house. Maybe we just needed to make it more homey and lived in. So we unpacked every box and settled as much as we could. We hung things up on the walls, tried to organize the space the way we liked it, and still, everything felt completely wrong. My best friend came to visit, and our trips to the city and the beaches were long car rides away. What were we thinking, moving away from what we loved to this lonely big-ole drafty house? So we sold it. I kid you not, we are lucky enough to live in Southern California where the market is in decent shape, and we sold the house and moved within months. By August 5th, we were back closer to the city and work and beaches and everywhere we wanted to be. Yes, we unpacked and repacked and unpacked all of our boxes in this short amount of time. While pregnant and sick. We went back into an apartment, something cozy with enough room for the 3 of us. I could work on clever ways to organize and suddenly I could breathe again. It was all worth it, we now made the right choice! Quality of life is so important to me, I’d live in a tiny space and get to experience things, and go out and about and see movies and travel! These life experiences mean so much more to me than having a big ole house, and I learned that in a few short months. People may want to stretch themselves thin (or honestly, have no choice) but if I have a say in the matter, I’d choose a small, quaint, comfortable life any day.
Now there’s another aspect to the past few months which weighed heavily on me that I won’t share too much, since it’s not really my story to tell all the details. Metin and I visited Chicago in June to see my family and to celebrate an accomplishment my dad had achieved after working on for years. The very next day we arrived back home in California, my dad was seriously injured. It’s been a very long road since then and he’s making progress every day, but it’s taken it’s toll.
Instead of spending every waking hour thinking about makeup and nail polish and new product launches, I was reading up on pregnancy, baby products, newborns, diapering and breastfeeding and sleeping, and trying to sell our house. Instead of blogging and scrolling through Twitter on my lunch breaks, I was on the phone with my mom and dad to stay in the loop and keep company, and just stay close during tough times. And at night and on the weekends when I was normally filming, and editing, and catching up on Youtube videos, I’ve been cherishing the time I have with my husband while it’s just the two of us. Once our little girl arrives, our lives will absolutely change in every way imaginable. We are filled to the brim with excitement, we took every class about labor and delivery and baby care basics and breastfeeding! We are so ready, mentally. But we’re still enjoying just the two of us until little one is ready to join us.
I posted a picture on Instagram from time to time, but I couldn’t login to my email until very recently. I ran and hid under a rock that I’m just now peaking out from. Let me tell you why. We had maternity photos taken and I wanted to do my own hair and makeup (of course). What does that have to do with me finally getting on here and laying it all out for you? I found a fantastic photographer, set the photo shoot date and began testing products on myself again. Since April, I retired most of my makeup stash focusing on the above mentioned aspects of life. Having to work on which products I’d like to use for the shoot made me dig back into my things and find hidden makeup gems and compare them like the good ole days. It really helped me to rediscover my love for products and enjoy it all over again. And rethink this.
Now our hospital bags are packed and we’re ready to welcome our first child to the world. The bad decision of buying a house is long gone and replaced with a great learning experience. My dad’s on the mend, and mentally, I’m myself again. Baby girl could come any day now, though we’re about 2 weeks out from our due date.
What does this mean for the future of my channel? I’m not exactly sure. I have a baby on the way to care for and it’s time to focus on becoming a family with my husband. All I know is that I feel a sigh of relief knowing I’m not leaving, and that my love for making videos and being involved with Youtube is there (deep down), and that things happen but there’s always a way to bounce back. And I wanted to say I understand the feeling of betrayal here, (as dramatic as that may even sound). I was there for you to rely on for years and I just went away. And for that I am so, so sorry. I know there are people who left and want nothing to do with me or my videos, but there are some of you who are still wanting to see what’s up with me and I’m very grateful. After all of this, thank you. Youtube has become such a huge part of my life and it has brought me so much happiness in the past, I’m really breathing a sigh of relief it’s still here for me. I love you guys, thank you for everything.